Water All Around

Why is life like weather? Sometimes we can be happy, but it's only a matter of time before the clouds, the wind, and the rain are back again. And sometimes, when you expect it least, there comes a flood. We are in a flood. The reliable things in my life are washing away, and though I've accepted the fact that I personally can't change it, it still cuts like a knife. My uncle has cancer. It sounds too distant to say uncle. My mom's brother has cancer. It's bad. Stage four, and they just found out today. She is worried sick, even though she won't show it. I know everything happens for a reason, but I sure would like to know the reason behind this, God. I want to know why I see the people who hold me together falling apart. I want to know why we are numb and cold toward each other, and I want a book of answers. When the earth was flooded, and while Noah and the animals were safe and cozy on their boat, I wonder about the rest of the people, dirty and sinful and wet, and how they felt. Terrified and overwhelmed, with their hearts in their throats and their laughter gone. Maybe about how I am feeling now, but probably worse. Yesterday was not easy, but it was so much easier than today. Tomorrow might seem new, but it might get stained. And even though the rain is fun to dance in, it will make our lives messy afterword. And even though the clouds will give us shade, they make us forget the sun. And even though the wind blows us away from our stagnant lives, it never, ever tells us where to go.

Life Is Like A Weavers Loom

My first day of finals made me want to drop out of school and wander the streets like a hobo. I want to be free. I've been thinking a lot lately about reality, trust, and the fact that I believe everything happens for a reason. Life is like a big loom, weaving an elaborately patterned piece of cloth, where every thread is a person and every color, line or dot in the pattern are events that shape our lives. I spend the majority of my brain cells trying to figure out why things happen, and how my life can positively or negatively influence another persons. The over-spoken phrase is true; Life is complicated. Within each person is a soul, with complex problems that are like viruses. Each one of those troubled souls interact with other troubled souls, and create an even more intricate weave and pattern. This is what I think about when I'm not watching TV. Ever wonder why I love TV so much? This is why. I also mentioned trust. I never never once met a person other than Jesus who has not let me down in some way. Nothing is real, everything is fake in our world, that's been my experience. Every time I find someone who I hope is different from the rest, all I have to do is wait. Wait until I learn for the zillionth time that no one (absolutely no one) is who they say they are, or who you optimistically assumed they were. It is this reason that I stayed in school. I like to rattle the cage. I like being different, and being exactly who I say I am.  I wish life could be simpler, I wish we had the courage to be unique again. I wish our souls have never grown old.

Bonne Weekend!

Finals week. Is. Tomorrow....and I definitely should be studying, but I'm definitely not. Aside from making a note card for my Geometry final and writing an essay, this has been one of the laziest weekends of my life. In other words, it has been wonderful. Here are some of the high lights of my weekend: "dog-sitting" with my bestie at her neighbors house, watching Americas Next Top Model while eating Coffee Almond Swirl ice cream, sleeping in, taking a bath with tons and tons of bubbles, and only changing out of my pajamas and putting on make-up when I actually had to go somewhere, like church. Americas Next Top Model is by far one of the most fascinating shows I've ever seen. Every time I watch it I learn something new about beauty in our world. So cool! I'm still in my pajamas now, and I have been all day, waiting for the jeans I painted on to be dry (remember the paint-spilling story? Same pants, new life span) and once they do, I'll try to find the courage to wear them in public. Other big news, our dog needed to be put down, which is sad, even though no one actually liked the dog except for my dad. His name was Jerry, and he was the skinniest, ugliest, smelliest, but most loving dog ever. My dad, named Don, misses him a lot, even though he won't talk about it. He's already looking for another dog to give him what he says is, "what your kids won't give you; love and adoration." It's almost time for youth group, which is actually pretty fun. We play a lot of dodge-ball. I'll check in tomorrow for a summary of the fist day of finals week.

Red Paint

This day was bananas (B-a-n-a-n-a-s!). It started out with yours truly eating granola out of a mug, then in my 7:30am gym class we took our written final/essay, where I wasted 15 minutes writing about the "Journey of the ovum, Flight of the sperm," which I am hoping to never have to right about again in my life-time. After that, I left class early and wandered the halls, before completely schooling it up on my English II debate. We were debating the Park51 project, better known as the "mosque at Ground Zero" and whether or not it should be built. We flipped a coin, and I got con, when I had crossed my fingers for pro, but I debated, and won with a ten to one vote in my favor (Score!). I usually don't win things, so this was a pleasant surprise. In art class, after lunch, I dumped bright red Tempera paint all over my favorite pair of pants, then tried to clean in off with yellow and green paint on my hands. Did not work. Now I was a walking art project, though some how, having paint smeared all over my leg made me feel like a true artist, even though I actually looked like an idiot. I think I've finally found my niche in high school, as one of the artsy kids. One of the ones whose life does not revolve around the big ugly holding pen called school. I'd like to believe that I'm better than that. After drawing class, I had to take home the majority of my drawing folder in my hands, which was precarious, and just as I thought I would, I ended up practically throwing the stack of papers across the hallway. Luckily, I have the best friends on planet earth, and my friend Will picked up my art pieces while I whined and wailed about this day I was having. He's such a wonderful individual.  Now I am at home, and my favorite TV shows are on tonight; Community, The Office, 30 Rock, and Outsourced. There is no better cure than mindless television, and I know artists aren't supposed to say this, but I freaking love watching TV. Enough said.  

Rejoice!

Oh people. Oh people, people, people. My soul is practically kicking me in the head, it is so happy. I recently applied for my current dream job as a staff member at my most favorite camp, Clydehurst Christian Ranch, and have been awaiting the confirmation email, telling me that they received my application. It just came! Now once my references complete their part, I am one step closer to this amazing experience! I won't know for sure if I'm hired until March or April, but I can wait. It's worth it.
On and unrelated topic, does anyone know just how difficult it is to choose a winter coat these days? I have this wonderful task ahead of me, since around a week ago I slammed my coat into a car door, which broke the zipper. It was stupid, and I looked like and idiot, getting stuck to the vehicle, and now my zipper is deceased. Sad day.
I would also like to announce that I now have not one, but TWO followers! So welcome to my best friend, who is as kind and loyal as she is pretty (you're very pretty). My Wednesday has been awesome, so I will rejoice and dance like a maniac, pulling a muscle in my butt in the process.

The Power Of Sauteed Mushrooms In Butter

Last night I kicked my diet out the door for the night, and made sliced mushrooms sauteed in butter, garlic, and a splash of olive oil. My brother grilled steaks outside in his bathrobe, and I also made a Greek salad with garden herb Feta cheese. It was divine, and totally turned my bad mood around. It's a rare occasion that I get to eat sauteed mushrooms, and last night was such an occasion. My only sibling, Walter who is seventeen, just graduated high school. I know it's January, but he decided to graduate early and start college at MSU. Full speed ahead Walter, and good luck.
Skiers rejoice, it's a Saturday morning and the snow is dumping down. It's beautiful, even if you're not a skier. Today I will be hunting down good deals at the Bozeman Salvation Army. This is by far one of the best places in downtown Bozeman, even though it's kind of a dump. Doesn't matter though, because it rocks. I am not getting my hair cut today, but perhaps in a week. This means one more week of wearing my hair up, and taking the time to put it up. Shoot. Oh well, nothing can rain on my parade, it's a snowy Saturday morning, and there's adventure to be had!

Since I don't really have anything special to say today, i was just sort of hoping that boundless inspiration would hit me in the face. But that didn't happen, because here I am. Today the world rubbed off some of it's evil tarnish and showed a brighter side I hadn't seen in weeks.  Even the boy who I personally thought to be evil was kind and generous today. However, that's probably due to the fact that it's Friday, also known to most as party night, and the sheer thought of a wild weekend can turn any boy into a saint. Unfortunately, not a speck of saintly-ness came off on me. I feel dragged down, and I currently have zero motivation for anything other than television and sleep. That might change by tomorrow, since my best friend and I are planning to get our hair cut. High-school is so complicated, and it just so happens that we spend our most defining years there. In a vast brick building that is teaming with personal problems and short lived glory. I suppose I'm just griping. I'm usually depressed in the evenings, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the fact that I rode the bus home. The bus, number 13, is the one thing that could ruin my day. It's loud, it smells weird, the bus driver stands way to close while talking (he also smells weird), and there is chewed gum everywhere. Yes, after releasing those feelings, I have deducted that as the reason to my bad mood. Problem solved. Until I ride the bus again.

Decision Vetoed. Starting now.

Ok, so now that I really can't make a trust-worthy decision, I'll just say it: I'm probably staying in school. I realized you don't have to get away from the school to rise above it and be the amazing person you want to be. Sure it's easier, but it's just as possible to be extraordinary right where you are. Right where I am. In the stale and stuffy classroom where I take Health class, there is one cheesy poster that actually means something to me, it says, "Anyone can stand out, but it takes courage to be outstanding." Super corny, but still super true. It's Thursday now, and surprisingly this week has flown by. I'd like to believe that the school needs me there. To be different. I know they actually don't need me, and a few people might be happier if I was gone, but I feel the need to be here, even if I don't know what for. So I'm throwing out the figurative rule-book on the person I have to be, because I want to be the one who can say they did something with their youth. Starting now.

Monday. Ew.

Ladies and gentlemen, I  would like you all to know that my decisions are not resolute, and that I am now thoroughly depressed. I was planning on doing something nifty and fun like a countdown until freedom, but after having a fairly decent day I realized that signing the release papers and saying goodbye won't be as easy as I thought it would. I'm confused on what I should do. Will it be worth it? If I had a follower other than my lovely mother, I would ask you all to give me a little bit of candid advice. My day was good, I helped a friend, and even laughed at something a teacher said. But...I want to do amazing things! So I came home. I cried. I cried while eating hummus and whole grain Wheat Thins. I cried while I wandered my small house. I sat down on my kitchen floor and cried. It was pathetic, but I'm feeling a little better. It's normal to want to stick to a pattern, and normal to feel sad when it's time to try something new. The only thing I'm really scared of is the fact that if I quit...It's final, and there's no going back. There are a few things I love about school; my best friend (her name is Mary), lunch, and all its infinite possibilities, arguing with the mean and rather rude boy in Math Lab, my Bio teachers war against the lethargic pet lizard, Swift Walks (the speed walks taken by Rachel and I in order to get to class at the other side of the building on time), and many other beautiful things. But it might be time for a new thing.
Here at my house, we are having some interesting food, tonight's special was Moroccan Chicken, Chickpea And Cashew soup. My mom jokes that if we keep eating this ridiculous food, we'll all reach our weight-loss goals in a minimal amount of time. Today while in drawing I was asked if I was on acid, because I always have the craziest ideas for art, that come out of nowhere. I'm not on acid, I'm proud to say, but I just couldn't get over the funniness of that question. Well, since I've been shrugging out of doing my homework while writing this, I'll have to get going on that, so I'll leave you with one terrifying fact: 13 days to get my crap together and decide what to do with my life.

More about the half-way drop-out

As I mentioned above, I am quitting school all but my ceramics, advanced drawing, and french 2 classes. My wonderful mother is very much to blame for this decision, because each and every time I come home from school and cry my eyes out about how hateful it is there, she calmly repeats just as she does every time, that there are a million things to do, and that I am welcome to drop out at anytime. So i am finally taking her advice. I am sick of school, I am sick of research projects in am. gym class, and how the school system only cares about our education because the better we do on tests, the more funding the school receives. It's messed up. I'm usually not a quitter, but i actually don't consider this quitting, since I'll get so much more out of my life this way. I'll be able to make and sell my hemp jewelery, finally, and paint and draw and go on snowshoe hikes. I've never been snowshoe hiking, but in my head, it's a worthwhile thing to do, even though i hate hiking. much of my inspiration to quit school came from and awesome book that you should read if you hate school, called The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn. I am in the process of reading it, and it's awesome. The date today is January second, and this is the last day of winter break. Two mind-frazzling weeks of school will follow, and then we will have semester finals, and then I can begin my new and vibrantly more interesting life. Cheers!

Simple Intro/ Why-on-earth-I'm-actually-doing-this

I never thought i would have a blog, or be one of those nerdy people who spend their weekends on a site such as this, filling anonymous or non-existent readers in on the details of their life. But here I am anyway. But since I don't want to suck away your time and energy on a pointless read, I have a promise for you: This is not my diary...I have one of those already. That (not this) is where i complain about my life, relationships, cruel teachers and all the other stuff not worth reading.
So, why I'm doing this also ties in with the name of this blog; Lifebeyondthefishbowl. I named it that because I am ready to go beyond the swimming-in-circles cultural norm, that says you have to go to school and blend in and never say what you're thinking. I always say what I am thinking. I'm not sure if I blend in, but I doubt it, and I'm dropping out of public high school...halfway dropping out anyway. It's a new year, and I'm ready to be my own person. Since I think this is neat, I'm writing this blog.
Happy New Year!