Do you sometimes get confused when the road of your life takes a huge and swinging turn? Do you wish you could peek around the corner and make sure things will work out in the end? Do you ever wake up and think about the plans you made for yourself, plans you were sure of, and suddenly panic and realize that you simply need to do something radically different and wonder if you were ever really sure about anything at all? Do you sometimes think about putting on your shoes and stepping out of your front door and going on a walk that lasts forever and from which you never fully come home? Because I do. And I don't think I'm the only one. Sometimes I want to keep my crazy thoughts to myself and not write them here for you all to read, but perhaps candor is the best medicine at times such as this. And I already have a blog and everything. Let's have a heart-to-heart, readers. I was so homesick for the last part of my time in Thailand, and I thought "home" would be partly when I arrived in New York, and then finally complete when I returned to Bozeman. But I've been here with family and friends for nearly two weeks, and while it was necessary for the recharging of my spirit, I'm ready to leave again for another unknown destination, and even though I want to, I don't feel the need to go back to Bozeman yet. Or go to school in the fall. I was so sure about attending school at MSU; I was even sure what I wanted to major in and what I wanted to do with my life after I graduated. But one day I woke up, and thought about attending freshman orientation, and registering for classes, and sitting in those classes, and being on a campus (albeit a beautiful one), and spending four years spending all my money and taking out the large loans I will obviously need, and I burst into tears. I panicked. I don't want to go. Eventually, I do. I want a college degree in an area of work that I am passionate about, but I don't know if I can handle that right now. I just want to GO. I want to continue living out of my backpack and living new lifestyles. I want to wander. I'm coming back to Bozeman, and I'll make my decision after I've had some time to think things through. Maybe I'll see attending school differently when I'm finally readjusted to stationary life in Montana. I don't want to rush into things. I've found it's most dangerous to rush into the things we most want to rush into. And I won't tell the wispy but promising plans that are taking shape for my future. But I am suddenly rearranging all the plans I made; shuffling some back into the future, moving some up to the front, making a few new ones, and tearing a few up all together. Caught in a suddent fit of restlessness and anxiety, I wrote my first-ever bucket list. It's huge. I want to do everything. I scrawled across two pages of my journal with some of the top items of importance. I think I need to go more and do more before I can do much else. I don't know. I'll be pacing the floors and making secret plans, and I'll try to keep you posted. Also, I'll be home in less than one week. And that's a little frightening.
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