Tomorrow morning at 6am I leave Thai soil and head for New York. I could never fully explain how important these past few months have been for me, but for the sake of you reading, I'll try. I left Bozeman feeling clueless and overwhelmed. I was only two months younger than I am now, but honestly, it feels like years. I bid farewell to my tearful parents and walked through airport security with no idea what this trip would bring or what kind of situations I would face. When I got landed in Bangkok, I took a cab for the first time in my life, to get to a spartan and lonely hotel room that had two rock solid beds and only one of me. I was terrified and so lonely that night. I felt like a lost little kid, who wandered too far down the street and can't see her front porch anymore. Things have changed so much since then. Two months later I'm in Bangkok by myself, beating back the absurdly obnoxious and rude tuk-tuk drivers, and finding the absolute best and cheapest street food stalls. Thailand has made me into the person I had always hoped to be, but hadn't actually had enough courage to be. When I was working on the farm near Sikhiu, I had the revelation one night when I was feeling rather down, that I can do absolutely whatever I want and be absolutely whoever I choose to be. This really made a difference with how I see myself and how I make decisions. From that point on I felt so free.
When I went to Laos, I met so many great people and other travelers. While I was there, I also started staying in budget dorms. The idea of budget dorms is kind of funny; sharing a bedroom with complete strangers for undecided amounts of time. It's kind of funny, but my dorm experiences (with a few exceptions) are uncannily similar. I usually got put in the last dorm on the highest floor up no less than four flights of stairs, and when I arrived I always wondered if the put me in a men's dorms, because I was almost always the only female in the room. This sounds rather sketchy, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that every room I stayed in was occupied only by perfect gentlemen who were usually down for a big dinner and a beer, which meant I didn't have to wander around and eat by myself. I much prefer dorms to hotel rooms, as I have been quite lonely in hotel rooms. This trip has really forced me to stop being shy and self-conscious, which I have tried and failed to do many times in the past. It's also taught me to trust my heart, and just go with the adventure. Sometimes, I was really scared. But I had no choice but to keep going and work things out by myself. I also have learned to accept myself the way I am. I've spent the past few months looking like an absolute wreck, and at first this really bothered me, but by this point I've accepted the fact that sometimes, I will look ugly and sweaty and sunburned, and that's okay. Sometimes all I'll have to wear is dirty laundry that smells like armpits and petrol, and feet will be coated in a permanent coat of dust and grime, and that's okay too. I feel really at peace now, almost no matter where I am.
Most of all, this trip has made me brave. I thought I was brave when I left, but just making brave decisions doesn't make a person brave. I made the brave decision to travel by myself, but on the day before I left, I was a mess with fear. Now, I can say that I am truly brave. I've been out in big cities at night, I've been lost in so many cities and towns, I've gone out for drinks with strangers, crashed a motorbike in the mountains, climbed waterfalls, gotten tattoos back-alley shops, and lived in a shack with giant spiders. I'm not scared anymore. There are still a few things that scare me, like going insane and being buried alive, but the general fear of doing risky stuff is gone. For this, I thank Thailand, God, and all the amazing people I've met along this journey. Many people travel to "find themselves," but I think you learn more when you leave already knowing who you are. I've loved this experience, and I'm ready to come home. I leave for New York in about 18 hours, and after that I'll be back to good old Bozeman in about two weeks. Kop-kuhn-ka, Thailand. It's been grand.
When I went to Laos, I met so many great people and other travelers. While I was there, I also started staying in budget dorms. The idea of budget dorms is kind of funny; sharing a bedroom with complete strangers for undecided amounts of time. It's kind of funny, but my dorm experiences (with a few exceptions) are uncannily similar. I usually got put in the last dorm on the highest floor up no less than four flights of stairs, and when I arrived I always wondered if the put me in a men's dorms, because I was almost always the only female in the room. This sounds rather sketchy, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that every room I stayed in was occupied only by perfect gentlemen who were usually down for a big dinner and a beer, which meant I didn't have to wander around and eat by myself. I much prefer dorms to hotel rooms, as I have been quite lonely in hotel rooms. This trip has really forced me to stop being shy and self-conscious, which I have tried and failed to do many times in the past. It's also taught me to trust my heart, and just go with the adventure. Sometimes, I was really scared. But I had no choice but to keep going and work things out by myself. I also have learned to accept myself the way I am. I've spent the past few months looking like an absolute wreck, and at first this really bothered me, but by this point I've accepted the fact that sometimes, I will look ugly and sweaty and sunburned, and that's okay. Sometimes all I'll have to wear is dirty laundry that smells like armpits and petrol, and feet will be coated in a permanent coat of dust and grime, and that's okay too. I feel really at peace now, almost no matter where I am.
Most of all, this trip has made me brave. I thought I was brave when I left, but just making brave decisions doesn't make a person brave. I made the brave decision to travel by myself, but on the day before I left, I was a mess with fear. Now, I can say that I am truly brave. I've been out in big cities at night, I've been lost in so many cities and towns, I've gone out for drinks with strangers, crashed a motorbike in the mountains, climbed waterfalls, gotten tattoos back-alley shops, and lived in a shack with giant spiders. I'm not scared anymore. There are still a few things that scare me, like going insane and being buried alive, but the general fear of doing risky stuff is gone. For this, I thank Thailand, God, and all the amazing people I've met along this journey. Many people travel to "find themselves," but I think you learn more when you leave already knowing who you are. I've loved this experience, and I'm ready to come home. I leave for New York in about 18 hours, and after that I'll be back to good old Bozeman in about two weeks. Kop-kuhn-ka, Thailand. It's been grand.
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