I'm A Wreck Now.

I am back in the US of A. I am so surrounded by love and well-wishes here in my home town of Dryden, NY. It's so strange to see that I'm not the only one who's grown up. All my childhood friends are adults now, and the only thing weirder than that is the fact that I am too. I thought I would feel so well rested and relaxed when I arrived, but so far that has not been the case. My travel time from Bankok to Syracuse, NY, was 30 hours. I left on the 15th, and saw two sunrises, and two sunsets, but when I arrived, it was still the 15th. I couldn't believe it. I slept for around 14 hours on my first night at my grandma's house, in the most comfortable bed on earth. The next night, I only slept for 3 hours, the next night, I slept for 13. In the daytime, my body tells me to go to sleep, and at night it seems like a good time to start the day. So I'm exhausted. All the time. But worse than the physical part of what's happening, is what in the heck is going on with my head. I am happy, I feel safe and loved, but despite this, I find myself bursting into tears at strange times and fo no reason, and I feel so overwhelmed in this tiny and beautiful town, and can't find the strength to go out and see people who want to see me. It's absurd. I spent nearly a week in Bangkok, one of the craziest cities on the globe, and I was fine. Here, I have mentel breakdowns several times a day and can't seem to function properly. This afternoon I arrived home from a wonderful day with my mom and my grandmother, and laid down on the couch. After an hour, I started crying, and had to go bed for three hours because I just couldn't pull myself together. I don't know. I have a guess, but it doesn't make much sense. I think all the things I've done are finally catching up with me. I've been on my own for 8 weeks, and whether I wanted to or not, I had to make all the plans and all the descisions by myself. I was doing so much, seeing so much, and keeping my guard up all the time. Now I'm safe. And I guess I'm worn out. The wheather here is so beautiful. I can actually be outside without feeling like I'm going to melt or throw up or sweat myself to death. I go on a walk every morning, and I think it's the happiest part of my day. The air is fresh and clean, the sun in warm but not oppressive, and I have so much space to just wander and be happy. By around 3 I'm exhausted, and by dinner time I can hardly stay awake. In about a week I will take the train back to Bozeman, and probably go through this all over again. However, this time with old friends and family has been such a blessing, and I can't wait to reconnect with all my friends in Montana. I just had to write this stuff down, I was hoping it would help me sort things out. Thanks for reading, for the past few months, and again now.