Thailand Is Still Awesome

So, yes, I've really been neglecting this blog. I've tried to post twice, but the internet was too slow the first time, and the second time the computer crashed. I'll just try to sum up some of the things I've been up to here in rural Thailand. First of all, it seems I can't go outside without breaking a sweat and getting a sunburn, which is bad because we spend almost all day outside here on the farm. Secondly, the mosquitoes think I'm the bees knees and I am covered in bites. However, I feel as if I'm finally living out the dream of adventure I've carried around all of my life. My feet are always dirty, my clothes are never clean, I never look nice here, and I find that really freeing. I have no one to impress or anyone's approval to try and earn. I can do what I want and go where I please and eat 3 mangoes everyday just because I feel like it. A few days ago Lola, Benjamin and I went into Sikhui to go to market, as we were running really low on food and were completely out of fruit. Since it was 100 degrees, I wore a dress, which seemed like a really good idea when I left. However, as I tried to climb off the bike without showing the entire marketplace my underwear, I burnt my leg on the tailpipe of the bike. It looks kind of awful, but it should be fine. I've been using Jake's special tried and true method of burn healing, where I chop an aloe vera leaf in half and tie it onto my leg for several hours. It actually works amazingly well. Today we dropped Benjamin at the bus stop and had to say goodbye to our dear curry-cooking friend, who is on his way to India right now. After that, Lola, Jake and I went on an adventure, and drove and drove in the sidecar through tiny towns and beautiful farmland. I got a sunburn, naturally, but I've just tied some more aloe to my leg and I put some on my face as well. On the 16th, I am heading to Laos for a quick one week stay there. I may stay in Vientiane, but the more I think about it the more I also want to see Luang Prabang. We'll see. I'll most likely be taking the night bus, and arriving to the border in the early morning, before the rush (or maybe before it even opens), which would be great. I want to find a cool yet cheap guesthouse to stay in, and then I plan on spending an entire day just sleeping. I just fall asleep all the time here. I think it's the weather. I tried to read for a while this afternoon, but I ended up sleeping for the last two hours. There was the most magnificent storm today. Luckily we had just arrived home and weren't trying to drive home through it. It was so loud! and the wind and lightning and thunder and water we so powerful. A few banana trees near the showers were knocked down, but otherwise everything is (miraculously) fine. I really meant to be posting more here, but this computer doesn't always like me. There is SO much more I could write, but I think I have to cut off here. Thanks for reading and praying for me!

I Made It!

I don't have enough space or time to fully describe even the first few days of this experience. I'm sitting in the sala, the main kitchen building here on the farm I'm staying at, on a plastic chair in front of a pink fan, because it's 100 degrees today. I'm still exhausted from the days of travel that got me here, and my body hasn't yet adapted to the temperature, so all I do is guzzle water and sweat it all out within the hour. Like really, when I go to bed at night, I have to hang my clothes out on the porch line to dry the sweat from them. Anyway, I am so thankful to God for getting me here safely. I landed in Bangkok at midnight, and a shuttle was supposed to be there to take me to the hotel I had booked a room in. It wasn't there, so I took a taxi for the first time in my whole life. Once I got to my hotel room, I tried to text my family, because they wanted to know when I made it to Thailand safely. I found out then that my phone is not working in this country, even though the Verizon company told me it would. I just wanted my family to know I was OK, and I couldn't reach them. Maybe it was just exhaustion, but I burst into tears, lay down in the clothes I had already been wearing for two days, and cried myself to sleep. In the morning I took a freezing cold shower, crammed everything back into my backpack, and left. I walked to the ATM, found a taxi, and went to the bus station. He took my to the wrong bus station, so I found another taxi, and went an hour to the right bus station. I got on the bus, and 3 hours later, they pulled over, opened the doors and said "Sikhiu." I got into the back of a truck with benches after that, and asked him to take me to Nong Bua Noi, which I knew is close to the farm. Side note: Once you're out of the big cities, nobody speaks any English. Once we got there, we stopped to talk to a shirtless old guy sitting in a shop. He understood the word "farm," and was able to figure things out and translate to my driver. 20 minutes into the countryside on a dirt road, and then we stopped. I had no idea if this was even the right farm. By God's grace, it was. I can't believe I'm actually here and doing this. I have a sweet little bungalow on the shore of a pond, with a little cactus garden planted in old water bottles and a hammock on the porch. The people her are awesome too. And the food, well, the food is just fantastic. Ok, I have to go cook some fry bread and help build a garden now. I love Thailand. That's all.

For Real.

Everyone. My life is crazy. A year ago I was dreaming of adventure, worrying because I had no idea how I could make it happen. I was panicking about the future, crying about the past, and stuck without an idea of what I was passionate about or what I should pursue in life. I decided enough was enough. I wanted to be a doer, not just a dreamer. So I quit high school, got my GED, and ran after a several different dreams and heartbreaks that never worked out because they just weren't supposed to. I got a job I hated but quickly learned to love it, and let go of all the expectations I had for myself. I thought about my future, the long run, not just the next few years. I thought about what I loved, what made me cry for joy, and what I needed to do in order to make my life matter. I didn't make plans. Just thought. And waited. I stopped dieting, and started exercising and trying to love the person God made me. Which, by the way, is WAY easier said than done. We are our worst critics, it seems. I decided I was done being affected by negative opinions, and cut all my hair off. I realized I wanted to be a teacher, and applied for MSU. I decided to be happy, and to work for that happiness and claim it for myself. Now, I'm almost an adult, I'm employee of the month at my soon-to-be-done job, I start my last weeks of work tomorrow, I'm enrolled as a fall 2013 student, and...I leave for Thailand in 16 days. I'm going. I can hardly believe it. It honestly scares the crap out of me, but I don't think it's enough to just be dreamers. In the end, we our measured by our experiences, not just our dreams. Dreams are motivational, but experience is life-changing. You have to take a risk. You have to feel the fear and heart pounding exhilaration of not knowing what's going to happen. I am so overwhelmed, so terrified, but actually, so happy. I've been waiting for this time in my life for far too long. I get to travel for three months, move in with my best friend, find a new job, and start college. This is finally for real.

Full Of True Love

Everyone, Valentines day is next week. Here's the way it usually goes: If you're single you hate it, you complain about it, and you realize the enormity of your singleness on this very pink and red day. If you are in a relationship, you look forward to this day, even if you know all you'll get is some flowers or some waxy Hallmark chocolates. Maybe you'll even hold your breath for some surprise gesture of affection, and be grossly disappointing when it doesn't arrive. I get it. I've been through plenty of single Valentines days. They used to make me sad, and make me feel lonely. I even held on to a secret hope that someone might choose this day to say to me, "you are great. You are like sunshine to my soul. I like the person you are." Or something like that. Of course that never happened, because only I am socially awkward enough to actually say something like that out loud.
However, one day I just stopped thinking about that, stopped needing that. Never stopped wanting that, of course, but somewhere along the twisty path of life I found the inner oasis of peace and joy that only a reliance on my creator and a solid acceptance of the ways of this earth can provide.
This New Years, I made a resolution: choose joy. I decided that there was happiness for me if I would make the effort to resist self-pity, that sappy and wholly unnecessary kill-joy, and embrace the blessings and beauty that God had placed all around me. Beauty can be found in anything. The best poetry is written in the faces of strangers and the sounds we've stopped listening to. Have you ever seen someone asleep on a train? Have you heard a child laugh at something simple and pure? Have you ever watched someone pray? Does any of this make sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is, I just love this life we get to live, and all the strange things that define it. There are so many people sharing life with us right now. They smile some days and cry other days. They worry about their futures and they fall in love. There is so much happening in the hearts and heads of everyone on planet earth, and that is a strangely comforting thought. It makes a person feel small and not so alone. There is so much evil in the world, but there is also so, so much good. We just don't hear about the good as much. Sometimes we hardly even notice it. Try to find it, and if you can't find it, make it. I am trying to do that, but I make a lot of mistakes. I need a lot more wisdom before I can make any reliable hypotheses about the human experience. All I know for now is that I am blessed to be a part of it.

I Bought a Ticket

Well, I booked a ticket to Thailand. I'm so excited. I leave just two days after my 18th birthday. I've been planning a big adventure for so long, and now I can't believe I get to leave in a little over two months. When I arrive in Bangkok, I will spend a day traveling by train, taxi, bus, and tuk tuk to reach my destination, Rak Tamachat farm. It's a beautiful permaculture farm in the countryside, and it's where I will be spending the majority of my stay. After a month and a half here, I will spend the first two weeks of June backpacking and exploring Thailand. I hope to go south to the coast and eat my weight in Thai food during this time. After that, I will board a flight to New York, where I will visit my friends and family whom I haven't seen in 3 years. I get to spend two weeks there, and after that, I will take the train or bus home, which will take four days. This seems like something that should scare me. But it doesn't. I'm not scared at all. I know I can do this, I've been preparing for this for a year. Please pray for my safety and wisdom during this crazy adventure. I'm so pumped for this!

Letter To A Friend

This is written to a real person who is very dear to me, but who will remain nameless for the sake of publishing this.

Dear Friend, what happened? You were my sister, and now I don't even know you. I know what you look like, I know where you live, but as for your heart and your life, they've become strangers to me. And I don't like that. We've grown apart, and it seems like we're not even friends sometimes. You barely talk to me anymore, but I don't blame you. Sometimes when life gets difficult we push away our friends. And for you, life is hard right now. You are just realizing the price of finding meaning and individuality, and you're finding out how lonely it all can be. I know it's tempting, but don't let these things make you bitter. Bitterness is easy in the present, but costly in the long run, because when you look back at life you will want to see a beautiful soul who let things, and people, and love inside her heart, instead of someone who closed up like a dead little plant and never let the magic of life in. As human beings we naturally want to make something beautiful out our lives, but making something beautiful out of life not only means celebrating the breathless moments of perfect wonder, but letting yourself be broken open and torn apart as well, accepting the sorrow and the pain in your chest, and knowing that through it all, no matter what you think, there will always be kind people who will comfort you. Not only people to comfort you, but a big God, who sees your pain, but also sees the end of your hurting, and loves you more than simple human reasoning can fathom.
   
      The most beautiful choice you can make in pursuit of your beautiful life is to CHOOSE JOY. What a concept, right? This was a revelation to me, and it is honestly something that has changed my life for the unbelievably better. My favorite verse in the Bible is also one of the shortest; 1 Thessalonians 5:16 says 'Rejoice always,' that's it. Paul then goes on to say in verses 17 and 18, 'pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' Whenever I read this in puts my heart at peace. It's not a long list of things you must do, it's just a simple way of thought that will lift your heart closer to your heavenly father.

     Listen: the world is so big. Sometimes when I think about this it's so amazing that I want lay down on the earth and cry. Don't be discouraged by what goes on in your tiny little pinpoint on the map. There is an entire planet full of places to lose yourself and places to find yourself. I know that joy is waiting for you, and I can't wait to see where it takes you.

Sleep Miracles, a Poem

Sleep Miracles

When A human being falls asleep

the beautiful miracles of simple happenings

play out upon an unlit stage.

You see them dream, and once again they are children,

innocence wrapped around them like a favorite blanket.

Hate; gone. Fear; at bay. Their faces are untied,

the furrows in their brows 

smoothed by the fingers of rest.

The monsters of life, the demons if the days;

Worry, Work, a Failed Love,

 and the Fear of Never Being Enough,

wait for morning, hiding in passing glances

and the pages of books.

Not even they can intrude upon

the fleeting hours of regained childhood.

The time before a memory can turn to a regret, 

the time before the plans of fate

are rearranged once more.

As the sleepers chest rises and falls

with each gentle breath, you want to reach out,

trace the temporary softness of their face,

hear the peace of their stillness. 

But you don't.

Because you've come to believe in miracles.

And you know that time is so short

and innocence is so precious.