Letter To A Friend

This is written to a real person who is very dear to me, but who will remain nameless for the sake of publishing this.

Dear Friend, what happened? You were my sister, and now I don't even know you. I know what you look like, I know where you live, but as for your heart and your life, they've become strangers to me. And I don't like that. We've grown apart, and it seems like we're not even friends sometimes. You barely talk to me anymore, but I don't blame you. Sometimes when life gets difficult we push away our friends. And for you, life is hard right now. You are just realizing the price of finding meaning and individuality, and you're finding out how lonely it all can be. I know it's tempting, but don't let these things make you bitter. Bitterness is easy in the present, but costly in the long run, because when you look back at life you will want to see a beautiful soul who let things, and people, and love inside her heart, instead of someone who closed up like a dead little plant and never let the magic of life in. As human beings we naturally want to make something beautiful out our lives, but making something beautiful out of life not only means celebrating the breathless moments of perfect wonder, but letting yourself be broken open and torn apart as well, accepting the sorrow and the pain in your chest, and knowing that through it all, no matter what you think, there will always be kind people who will comfort you. Not only people to comfort you, but a big God, who sees your pain, but also sees the end of your hurting, and loves you more than simple human reasoning can fathom.
   
      The most beautiful choice you can make in pursuit of your beautiful life is to CHOOSE JOY. What a concept, right? This was a revelation to me, and it is honestly something that has changed my life for the unbelievably better. My favorite verse in the Bible is also one of the shortest; 1 Thessalonians 5:16 says 'Rejoice always,' that's it. Paul then goes on to say in verses 17 and 18, 'pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' Whenever I read this in puts my heart at peace. It's not a long list of things you must do, it's just a simple way of thought that will lift your heart closer to your heavenly father.

     Listen: the world is so big. Sometimes when I think about this it's so amazing that I want lay down on the earth and cry. Don't be discouraged by what goes on in your tiny little pinpoint on the map. There is an entire planet full of places to lose yourself and places to find yourself. I know that joy is waiting for you, and I can't wait to see where it takes you.

Sleep Miracles, a Poem

Sleep Miracles

When A human being falls asleep

the beautiful miracles of simple happenings

play out upon an unlit stage.

You see them dream, and once again they are children,

innocence wrapped around them like a favorite blanket.

Hate; gone. Fear; at bay. Their faces are untied,

the furrows in their brows 

smoothed by the fingers of rest.

The monsters of life, the demons if the days;

Worry, Work, a Failed Love,

 and the Fear of Never Being Enough,

wait for morning, hiding in passing glances

and the pages of books.

Not even they can intrude upon

the fleeting hours of regained childhood.

The time before a memory can turn to a regret, 

the time before the plans of fate

are rearranged once more.

As the sleepers chest rises and falls

with each gentle breath, you want to reach out,

trace the temporary softness of their face,

hear the peace of their stillness. 

But you don't.

Because you've come to believe in miracles.

And you know that time is so short

and innocence is so precious.

Adios, 2012

This year. Man, I don't even know what to say about it. This was not my happiest year. One of my worst, actually. I tried and failed more times and in more endeavors than I want to count. However, this was a learning year, full of hard lessons and tough truths. I learned a lot about my self, the people in my life, and my faith in God and His timing. Even though it's been kind of a rough stretch of road, I have done some pretty interesting things this year. I dropped out of school, got my GED, spent my summer, fall, and winter working in a retirement home, cut my own hair, applied for my dream job in Ethiopia, learned to knit, ran my first 5K, followed three ridiculous diets, learned to drive, and got all my hair cut off. I'm looking forward to the new year. I will apply for college in January, travel alone internationally in the spring and summer, move in with one of my best friends in August, and work hard to become an elementary school teacher for children in developing countries. I never imagined that this would be the direction of my life. I still wish I was moving to Ethiopia. Oh, I wish it more than anything. But I have to trust. And I have to be optimistic. Sometimes the best thing is not the one we want, but the one that will bring the most good in the end. A new year is here, and it's time to be brave and run right into it.

The 100th New Plan

So...News Flash: I am going to college. I said I would probably never go, but it seems like whatever I say lately, the very opposite is bound to happen. I realized something that broke my heart about a week ago: maybe I'm not meant to run away to Africa...Yet. It is all I've wanted for such a long time, it really shook my world up. I still miss Ethiopia more than anything, but I can't have everything I want. Unfortunately. It feels like every big dream I have turns to dust as soon as I get close enough to almost reach it. It hurts, but as a result, I've gotten pretty darn good at dealing with this whole failure thing. Oh, I should probably mention why I decided that college is necessary. I realized that if I truly want a prosperous future in which I impact maximum number of lives for the better, I need more education. I was struggling when God brought these things to my attention, and I argued that there was nothing I loved enough that I could study in college. But, things were cleared up pretty quick when The Lord told my heart "Maddie, you love to teach; you always have. You need to be a teacher." And there it is. I want to be a teacher. Crazy! If you've learned anything from reading my blog, it is that I cannot write consistently, I change my mind (which runs at a hundred miles an hour) A LOT, and that nothing in my life is for sure. Not a darn thing. I sure wish that wasn't true. I am very nervous for college, not for the usual reasons, but because it means four years in the same place, going to school, like I said I never would. I just want to be happy. I try so hard to be. I am planning to travel this summer, so that should get some of the wanderlust out of my system for a little while. Anyway, those are a few things that are new in my crazy-not-crazy life. Thanks for reading. As always.     -mads

When Your Hiding Place Goes Missing

Lately, I've been deeply unhappy. Sometimes I'm just the sort of unhappy that I can just decide to overcome, and succeed when I choose joy over sorrow. But other times, I am overwhelmed with the deep heart hurt, that feels like an empty ache that starts in my chest and spreads through my soul. I have had a lot of the deep heart hurt recently. My instinct during these times tells me to hide. The hiding place I usually go to is an open field a mile from my house, where there was a huge stack of hay bales that thoroughly hid me from anyone who would glance into the field, as well as offered a sense of safety and anonymity. I liked to lay down behind them and look at the mountains and be completely alone. A few days ago, I needed to hide, so I went out to my hiding place. But it was GONE. It felt like that feeling, when you climb a staircase in the darkness, and you are sure there is one more step, but when you try to climb it, your stomach drops and your heart skips a beat as your foot falls through the darkness and lands with a thump on the same level as your other foot. I was quite confused, and actually very angry with whoever had come and removed my hiding place. It felt strange, but I walked out into the now completely exposed field, and lay down on some prickly dead grass. I watched a hawk glide low over the summer's no lifeless weeds, and listened to the highway breath in the distance. No more of this nonsense, I thought. I do not need to hideout of restlessness and discontent any longer. I am called to make the most of whichever situation I planted in, regardless if that is where I want to be or not. I want to go places and do things NOW, but I am learning a difficult lesson in patience. Even when we would give anything to be somewhere else, we must give everything to thrive where we are. 

News. Not The Best.

Today I got the aforementioned news. I thought it would be about my job description, but it wasn't. They told me that it wasn't safe for me to go to Ethiopia alone, and they didn't know where I would live once I got there. Their solution is that I must wait until a female between 18 and 25 years of age applies, and then we will travel and live together. They aren't sure how long I will have to wait, and that scares me half to death. I know this is for the best, but I wanted different news. I got off the phone, and I cried. I cried until my nose was clogged and I was hiccupping between sobs. I don't know why I felt so discouraged and sad, but I did, and I still do. I don't want to wait anymore! I'm sick of it. They say that when one door closes another one opens. It doesn't matter to me what doors open if I can't walk through them. I pray that that other woman, who ever she is and where ever she is, would feel called to missions work soon, because I so desperately need to live in Ethiopia. My calling, my purpose, and my future are on the other side of the world. The people I miss, the lives I long to innteract with, are all going on without me. I think that I will go on a few more short term trips, though I have no idea how I will raise the funds. I said that I would not go on any more short term missions, but now I will do anything and everything to be in Ethiopia. Maybe I'll go other places while I wait, too. I have no idea. Just when I was laying down a plan, it was torn out from under me. Reader, please pray for my sanity. Just imagining living and working where I do for an indefinite amount of time breaks my restless heart. This is for the best. This is God's plan. I certainly don't understand it, but I suppose He means well for me. I have no Idea what the next year will bring, but right now I don't have the courage to wonder. God will show me. 

Small News

I have news: in the next few days, I should be receiving my job description for my P61. After that, I will fly to Thompson Station Church in Tennessee for some assessment interviews. After that, I should know whether or not I get to move to Ethiopia. It would be easy for me to be overcome by anxiety, but I am choosing to trust God in all things, and that means that I don't hold the plan. I am only a vessel for the purpose of Christ. I have faith in Him; He's never let me down before, and quite frankly, I don't think He'll start now. I want an escape, an adventure, a wild and irrational dream, and I want it now. But I can't do that. It's my restless immaturity talking, and it would be a mistake to settle for anything less than the plan God holds for my life. These past few months of my life has been an exercise in waiting, and I will be very relieved when I finally know some details of my future. Please pry for me, and that whatever news I receive about my potential job in Ethiopia, that God's will would be done and that I would take it in stride with maturity and grace.