Adios, 2012

This year. Man, I don't even know what to say about it. This was not my happiest year. One of my worst, actually. I tried and failed more times and in more endeavors than I want to count. However, this was a learning year, full of hard lessons and tough truths. I learned a lot about my self, the people in my life, and my faith in God and His timing. Even though it's been kind of a rough stretch of road, I have done some pretty interesting things this year. I dropped out of school, got my GED, spent my summer, fall, and winter working in a retirement home, cut my own hair, applied for my dream job in Ethiopia, learned to knit, ran my first 5K, followed three ridiculous diets, learned to drive, and got all my hair cut off. I'm looking forward to the new year. I will apply for college in January, travel alone internationally in the spring and summer, move in with one of my best friends in August, and work hard to become an elementary school teacher for children in developing countries. I never imagined that this would be the direction of my life. I still wish I was moving to Ethiopia. Oh, I wish it more than anything. But I have to trust. And I have to be optimistic. Sometimes the best thing is not the one we want, but the one that will bring the most good in the end. A new year is here, and it's time to be brave and run right into it.

The 100th New Plan

So...News Flash: I am going to college. I said I would probably never go, but it seems like whatever I say lately, the very opposite is bound to happen. I realized something that broke my heart about a week ago: maybe I'm not meant to run away to Africa...Yet. It is all I've wanted for such a long time, it really shook my world up. I still miss Ethiopia more than anything, but I can't have everything I want. Unfortunately. It feels like every big dream I have turns to dust as soon as I get close enough to almost reach it. It hurts, but as a result, I've gotten pretty darn good at dealing with this whole failure thing. Oh, I should probably mention why I decided that college is necessary. I realized that if I truly want a prosperous future in which I impact maximum number of lives for the better, I need more education. I was struggling when God brought these things to my attention, and I argued that there was nothing I loved enough that I could study in college. But, things were cleared up pretty quick when The Lord told my heart "Maddie, you love to teach; you always have. You need to be a teacher." And there it is. I want to be a teacher. Crazy! If you've learned anything from reading my blog, it is that I cannot write consistently, I change my mind (which runs at a hundred miles an hour) A LOT, and that nothing in my life is for sure. Not a darn thing. I sure wish that wasn't true. I am very nervous for college, not for the usual reasons, but because it means four years in the same place, going to school, like I said I never would. I just want to be happy. I try so hard to be. I am planning to travel this summer, so that should get some of the wanderlust out of my system for a little while. Anyway, those are a few things that are new in my crazy-not-crazy life. Thanks for reading. As always.     -mads

When Your Hiding Place Goes Missing

Lately, I've been deeply unhappy. Sometimes I'm just the sort of unhappy that I can just decide to overcome, and succeed when I choose joy over sorrow. But other times, I am overwhelmed with the deep heart hurt, that feels like an empty ache that starts in my chest and spreads through my soul. I have had a lot of the deep heart hurt recently. My instinct during these times tells me to hide. The hiding place I usually go to is an open field a mile from my house, where there was a huge stack of hay bales that thoroughly hid me from anyone who would glance into the field, as well as offered a sense of safety and anonymity. I liked to lay down behind them and look at the mountains and be completely alone. A few days ago, I needed to hide, so I went out to my hiding place. But it was GONE. It felt like that feeling, when you climb a staircase in the darkness, and you are sure there is one more step, but when you try to climb it, your stomach drops and your heart skips a beat as your foot falls through the darkness and lands with a thump on the same level as your other foot. I was quite confused, and actually very angry with whoever had come and removed my hiding place. It felt strange, but I walked out into the now completely exposed field, and lay down on some prickly dead grass. I watched a hawk glide low over the summer's no lifeless weeds, and listened to the highway breath in the distance. No more of this nonsense, I thought. I do not need to hideout of restlessness and discontent any longer. I am called to make the most of whichever situation I planted in, regardless if that is where I want to be or not. I want to go places and do things NOW, but I am learning a difficult lesson in patience. Even when we would give anything to be somewhere else, we must give everything to thrive where we are. 

News. Not The Best.

Today I got the aforementioned news. I thought it would be about my job description, but it wasn't. They told me that it wasn't safe for me to go to Ethiopia alone, and they didn't know where I would live once I got there. Their solution is that I must wait until a female between 18 and 25 years of age applies, and then we will travel and live together. They aren't sure how long I will have to wait, and that scares me half to death. I know this is for the best, but I wanted different news. I got off the phone, and I cried. I cried until my nose was clogged and I was hiccupping between sobs. I don't know why I felt so discouraged and sad, but I did, and I still do. I don't want to wait anymore! I'm sick of it. They say that when one door closes another one opens. It doesn't matter to me what doors open if I can't walk through them. I pray that that other woman, who ever she is and where ever she is, would feel called to missions work soon, because I so desperately need to live in Ethiopia. My calling, my purpose, and my future are on the other side of the world. The people I miss, the lives I long to innteract with, are all going on without me. I think that I will go on a few more short term trips, though I have no idea how I will raise the funds. I said that I would not go on any more short term missions, but now I will do anything and everything to be in Ethiopia. Maybe I'll go other places while I wait, too. I have no idea. Just when I was laying down a plan, it was torn out from under me. Reader, please pray for my sanity. Just imagining living and working where I do for an indefinite amount of time breaks my restless heart. This is for the best. This is God's plan. I certainly don't understand it, but I suppose He means well for me. I have no Idea what the next year will bring, but right now I don't have the courage to wonder. God will show me. 

Small News

I have news: in the next few days, I should be receiving my job description for my P61. After that, I will fly to Thompson Station Church in Tennessee for some assessment interviews. After that, I should know whether or not I get to move to Ethiopia. It would be easy for me to be overcome by anxiety, but I am choosing to trust God in all things, and that means that I don't hold the plan. I am only a vessel for the purpose of Christ. I have faith in Him; He's never let me down before, and quite frankly, I don't think He'll start now. I want an escape, an adventure, a wild and irrational dream, and I want it now. But I can't do that. It's my restless immaturity talking, and it would be a mistake to settle for anything less than the plan God holds for my life. These past few months of my life has been an exercise in waiting, and I will be very relieved when I finally know some details of my future. Please pry for me, and that whatever news I receive about my potential job in Ethiopia, that God's will would be done and that I would take it in stride with maturity and grace. 

Smoothies (Just For Fun).

I should really just quit my job at the retirement center and become a professional smoothie maker. Really. Oh wait, that doesn't exist. While I can't do that, I can share with you a few of my delightful (and healthy!) smoothie recipes.

Peanut Butter Chocolate 

Blend: 

1frozen banana

2 T peanut butter

1T unsweetened cocoa powder

A splash of milk, soy milk, or water

A few ice cubes

1 handful of uncooked oats.

Health Junkie

Blend:

1 C fresh spinach

A handful of frozen berries or strawberries

1 frozen banana

1/4 whole avocado

A splash of orange juice or water.

Avocado Delight

Blend:

1/2 whole avocado

1 frozen banana

A splash of vanilla soy or almond milk.

Healthy Pumpkin Pie

Blend: 

1 frozen banana

1/2 C canned pumpkin

1/4 whole avocado

A splash of vanilla soy or almond milk

Cinnamon and nutmeg, to taste.

As you can probably tell from reading these recipes, I'm all about avocados in smoothies right now. They are super healthy and help to thicken up smoothies as well as replacing dairy. Try one (or all) of these and let me know what you think!

 

Some Early September Thoughts.

How many times do I write about the waiting times in my life? How many times do I find myself in the midst of them? Often, yet here I am again. I don't have any new news concerning Ethiopia (yet),  but I haven't posted in awhile, so I just thought I'd share some thoughts and events of the waiting times of Mads.
-Something I'm learning: the purity of a quiet mind. Keeping your mouth closed is one thing, but to be truly quiet is a whole other deal. Even when my I'm not running my lips off, my mind shouts. There is not enough time to think each agressive thought, they all fight for command, so they run over each other and interrupt one another. So lately I've been trying to learn how to be quiet in both body and mind. It's more difficult than you might think in our culture of system overload and multitasking. However, when I am able to quiet my mind, there is a renewed clarity and gentle beauty to subtle things in life.
-Something I'm reading: The Elegance of the Hedgehog. Actually, I've already finished it, but it's too god not to mention. This book. Let me tell you, it's probably my favorite book I've ever had the pleasure of reading. The story of an upper-class appartment building in France, and the lives of its residents, mainly the concierge, Renee, and a twelve year old girl namd Paloma. The author, Muriel Barbery, has an intensely beautiful style of writing that is almost poetic. The original book was writen in French, and the translation into English while retaining the some of the patterns of speach of spoken French only add to its brilliance. This is an amazingly thought-provoking little novel, and I strongly recommend it to anyone. There are three copies at the Bozeman Public Library. You should read it.
-Something I love right now: Naps. I just really like to take naps a lot. I used to strongly dislike naps because I would go to sleep for an hour, and when I woke up, I thought it was the morning of the next day, and I had greatly overslept and no one had had the decency to wake me. Now, I get on just fine with naps, especially after a draining day at work. I come home, eat a snack, go into my room, take off some of my work clothes and fall into bed. Sometimes I sleep for one hour, sometimes I sleep for three. I get a lot of good thinking done before and after I fall asleep. There has been research done about naps, and the findings are that you should probably take one. They help with just about everything, from concentration to weightloss.
Well, that's about enough of this post. I could keep writing, but as you scrolled down over my seemingly endless and unrelated paragraphs, you would probably lost motivation and choose not to read any of them. So thanks for reading, keep thinking worthwhile thoughts and writing your own story.     -mads