Right now, is a "waiting time." In my life, waiting times are more frequent than I'd like them to be, and also cause me to break down emotionally due to the sheer stress of being without a clear path. Waiting times are to me what being hopelessly lost in the wilderness and running out of food is to most other people. Last night, I had one of those breakdowns. I have so many plans and worries and troubles for my near future, I want them ALL to work and I'm paranoid, what if they all fall through? What if my precious gold days are wasted, and I'm stuck in complacency and dull comfort and barred from the beautiful adventures I crave? These thoughts overwhelmed me last night; bubbled to the surface and then boiled over, and I was a pathetic blob, on the floor. My tears pooled and ran in salty streams down my face. I couldn't hold it together, and so I decided it would be best to just lay my little head and useless troubles down to sleep, at seven o'clock in the evening. When I had washed the tears and makeup off, and put on my dumpy pajamas, I decided something; I didn't want to go to sleep feeling this way, so I assembled my army: my journal, The Bible, and my new favorite story, Kisses From Katie. I poured through the pages of each, and my faith and hopes that had been in a puddle several minutes ago took delicate and tentative steps forward. When I had exhausted my reading capabilities for the evening, I closed my eyes and rested my head on the back of my chair, and thoughts came and went, doubt came and went, worries came and went, and dreams came...and stayed. New dreams, crazy dreams, real world-changing dreams. Beautiful, hopeful, straight-from-our-wonderful-Jesus dreams. I have so many prayers and some very big plans for next year, if God makes at least some of them possible. I would tell you what they are, but I can't right now, because if I did, you might never believe me, and then if they didn't work out, you'd all think me to be a liar. I promise I'm not a liar, though. I'm just not in control of this life I live in. I don't know where these new Jesus dreams will take me, but let me tell you what I do know: I no longer want to hold life, I want it to hold me, and for God to smile down over it all. -mads
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