The Gift Of New Dreams

Right now, is a "waiting time." In my life, waiting times are more frequent than I'd like them to be, and also cause me to break down emotionally due to the sheer stress of being without a clear path. Waiting times are to me what being hopelessly lost in the wilderness and running out of food is to most other people. Last night, I had one of those breakdowns. I have so many plans and worries and troubles for my near future, I want them ALL to work and I'm paranoid, what if they all fall through? What if my precious gold days are wasted, and I'm stuck in complacency and dull comfort and barred from the beautiful adventures I crave? These thoughts overwhelmed me last night; bubbled to the surface and then boiled over, and I was a pathetic blob, on the floor. My tears pooled and ran in salty streams down my face. I couldn't hold it together, and so I decided it would be best to just lay my little head and useless troubles down to sleep, at  seven o'clock in the evening. When I had washed the tears and makeup off, and put on my dumpy pajamas, I decided something; I didn't want to go to sleep feeling this way, so I assembled my army: my journal, The Bible, and my new favorite story, Kisses From Katie. I poured through the pages of each, and my faith and hopes that had been in a puddle several minutes ago took delicate and tentative steps forward. When I had exhausted my reading capabilities for the evening, I closed my eyes and rested my head on the back of my chair, and thoughts came and went, doubt came and went, worries came and went,  and dreams came...and stayed. New dreams, crazy dreams, real world-changing dreams. Beautiful, hopeful, straight-from-our-wonderful-Jesus dreams. I have so many prayers and some very big plans for next year, if God makes at least some of them possible. I would tell you what they are, but I can't right now, because if I did, you might never believe me, and then if they didn't work out, you'd all think me to be a liar. I promise I'm not a liar, though. I'm just not in control of this life I live in. I don't know where these new Jesus dreams will take me, but let me tell you what I do know: I no longer want to hold life, I want it to hold me, and for God to smile down over it all.      -mads

Valentines Day Challenge

Well everyone, it's almost here. That day of clashing pinks and reds and a plethora of heart-shaped everything. Yes, love it or hate it, Valentines Day is nigh upon us. Oddly enough, I'm one of the few single people who actually loves it. Most single girls, and some guys, hate Valentines Day, which frankly, I think is stupid. They say things to me like "Ugh, I hate it so much. All it does is remind me that I'm alone." While Valentines Day is generally meant to be romantically shared with a significant other, I don't think it has to be. I guess that's because for me, it never was. When I was little, February 14 meant eating chocolate with mom and eating Cheerios out of heart-shaped cereal bowls with Walter. Even though we don't do those things any more (sadly), the Hallmark holiday is special to me, even though pink and red aren't exactly a match made in heaven. If you are single (like me!), and are usually bummed when Valentines Day come around, or have someone special but are tired of the hype, fear not, because the solution may be here. Valentines Day sells itself with the concept of love. Love in swirling cursive, love in paper lace, love in red roses, and love in copious amounts of chocolate, but if you still have a functioning brain, you probably agree with me when I say that that is not actually real love. What if we, instead of accepting the money-hungry commercial definition of love, decided to live by what love really is. Love is the feeling that motivates us to reach out to other people, to want to fix the broken and find the lost. Love is forgiving those who hurt you, and making things right with those who you have hurt. It's holding the door, giving away your money, drying tears, and walking humbly. Love is what makes the heart whole. If you see things the way I do, and want to make your moments count, or just don't want to spend your Valentines Day moping, here is my challenge to you: Live real love.     
-mads

Into The Wild (DIY edition)

As far back as I can remember, I have been afflicted with a particularly aggressive strain of wanderlust. When forced by the obligations of everyday life to stay in the same place for prolonged periods of time, I become increasingly restless, sad, and anxious as I wait at the edge of my seat for the next adventure-high that will come my way. While always preferred, the adventure doesn't always have to be a grand one. It can be small. To others, what seems like just a slightly different day is an adventure to me and my brain that is just as easily excited as it is bored. Like today, for example. A few weeks prior, I rented the film version of Into The Wild from the library. I had read the book, and it had become one of my favorite stories. I was excited to see the film, but also nervous, because when I read the book, my restlessness increased to a near-torturous level, due to the fact that I read it as I sat in a desk day after day, under fluorescent lighting and a monotonous routine. The DVD was in my hand when I thought to myself: Is this really what you need right now? Do you actually think that you'll be able to willingly go back to school and focus on academics tomorrow after watching something like this? I couldn't do it. I knew that as soon as I pressed play, I would think of nothing but running off to great adventures that I couldn't go on and that wouldn't get me anywhere that I need to be at this time of my life. When I told that to my friend, Anika, she told me she was in the same boat, and that if I still wanted to watch the movie, I could go to her house and watch it with her, so that we could be restless and sad together, and then talk each other back down to real life. Also included in our plan was the idea that I would just sleepover on her couch, and the next day, we would eat breakfast heartily, and then go into the wild. So, we watched the film as planned, and this morning I woke up on the couch, looked at the dawn sky, and smiled. Not a single cloud. It was as if nature wanted this day for us. We drank smoothies, filled water bottles, laced up our Sorels, and hit the road, our sights set on the general Hyalite area. We ended up driving to Grotto falls and speed hiking to the top (Anika didn't want to be beat by other hikers with snowshoes). We ate a lunch of oatmeal cookies and apples in an incredible little ice cave we found, and we let our butts freeze numb as we discussed the meanings to life. When we had hiked back down, we still weren't ready to leave the wild, so we stumbled through the deep, crunchy snow, out onto Hyalite Reservoir. When we could hike no further, we flopped down into the snow, and I made a snow-angel in the middle of a lake. After I got home, I was feeling inspired, so I went out for a run, and ran/walked 4 peaceful miles. This day was exactly what I needed; an adventure. It didn't matter that we didn't travel more than 30 miles from home, or that we only hiked 3 miles, because to me, its not the size or scale of the adventure or the undertaking, but the passion with which you pursue it that makes it worthwhile.  -mads